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madness...be my sane valentine

It is a little past midnight and I still see sunshine.

Before I brushed my teeth a fly told me to write about love.  I presume that it is within the fairness of my duty to feed even the madness of my demons.

The misfit.  They call me.  Whose mind is in a whirlpool of what they call the bizarre.  In a mockery within those trying for themselves to fit me in what supposed to be the one to be understood and the one who creates obscurity in people who think they can understand.

But tonight is different.  I celebrate love as I remember settled whistles of my oddities.

Love, be my valentine.  But would you ask?  It is a poverty.  You lose as you give it.  The more you do, the more you become deprived of something you once have.  You propose to give even the ones you doubt to have.  Love is like a game where circumstance is your playground and your winning hand is uncertainty.  It is a choice and selfishness often rides along to undermine the kiss that whispers the promise of silent forever.  But I have to stop.  This is not a story about love.  But a moment with it.

But why would I believe in love if the tragedies behind hurt could cripple lives?  You say that loving is like the beauty of autumn, but when love fails many lives fall in disgrace like the autumn leaves.  I ask the why, you ask the how of why am I capable of denial.  I don’t - but I give you the sense to accuse my doubting.  But then I remember.  What is there that has no contrary to a beautiful thing?

The absurdity behind falling into loving is that you don’t grasp the realization of what pushed you to fall.  You just realize the difference that makes the difference.  You then become naked to the poverty of human weakness and the greed of malice - that you have to choose whether to be the one who shares out of love or the one who loves to be shared with being loved more.  The reason why we love is not because of what might have been but because of what we long to be.  Bound by the choices behind longing and the subtle perseverance in hoping.  To create the solemn accents of a lover and a beloved brought by the parading winds to create mornings of unruffled calm.  And gazed by the awaiting heavens.

To choose not to engrave promises on living thoughts but to weave hope in loving hearts.

I love hate as I hate love.  But not anymore.  Just the irony that makes the distinction.    

Every so often I wonder as I have been always asked if I had been in love.  Of moments when falling leaves would dance with the trials of your soul as they fall into rest of dispassionate serenity.

Every so often…I wonder.  I think I did.  But it is my demise to remember.

I have been bruised.  I have fallen.  But this is not my life-story.  This is an offering to someone I promised to write this for.  Undrafted circumstances, I promised still.  She is my known stranger.  And this is not love.  But you know the satire behind that testimony – that within the mysteries of love, the illogicality behind falling into it is the very reason why there is mystery and why there is illogicality. 

If you know her, you would forget all about this piece.  All you will remember is the invitation to wonder….

…how beauty can fit to a person.  Unsure but affirming, I say it just does.

Happy Valentine’s to you beautiful stranger.

regret or destiny?

When does regret seek its throne in one’s heart?  Amidst the good belonging of life and living, why does regret have to be part of it all?  In the great proposal of one’s pursuit for dreams and horizons, is the realization of a life not well lived a curse for the troubled heart?

Man.  He is more than life.

Indeed.

Yet there are reasons that come to his trials and try to take away his reason to go on.  Often times, man fails and stumbles to hopeless fate.  He doesn’t realize is at first for he becomes occupied with the drowning of dreams – the moment he thinks that dreams are not for man.  This is the moment for the grip of blind abandonment – subtle, unnoticeable.  Then life moves on.  Not anymore with reasons for a destination – maybe amidst the silence of dignity – but with the givings of tomorrow.  A life without reason for living yet continued to be lived upon.  Reasons, meaning, and worthwhile living – they are just the clouds of today never to be seen again tomorrow and forever.

And then – regret.  The angel of awakening.

When this comes, everything comes rushing back.  The memories of dreams bigger than imagination.  The life hoped – seen helplessly abandoned along the dusty road of the past only to be enthroned in high regard by the knights of eternal remorse.  Life becomes a shadow of meaninglessness – continued to be tied by the string of the past, of reproach.  This is where regret finds its throne – standing in majestic nobility to meet the death of life – dragging the soul of the one whose life is a bleak testimony of the beauty of dreaming and the utter persecution of misgiving.  And everything is not but for a fault of one.

Man.

His choices – that for inaction.  An endless awaiting for the time to stop.  A nuisance laid by the self to perpetual doom – of a life with enough reasons for living well.  Indeed, it is man who shapes destinies.  May it for meaninglessness and regret or to the abundance of the fulfillment of dreams or delusions.

Whichever it may be, only man knows.

Only he. 

Especially you philosophers – men of higher learning they say.  Us.

But we are still men.  We are no different.

Indeed.

my apologies to the dancers of the mind.

seminarians and friends.  i'm sorry if i haven't had the time to post blogs for for-the-sake-of-it and philosophical interdisciplinary dialogue.  i've read your messages asking when i'll post again.  i will.  in time.  i'm still very busy.  you can go to my blogspot account for now.  but here.  im sorry.  but i promise to post again.  when that time comes, and when you read it, i'll guarantee you that it will blow your mind.  i promise.  for now, feel free to rest from the intricate blunders of philosophizing.  pax homibus.  fleawulf.

JUDAS DID NOT 'BETRAY' CHRIST

Why are the teachings about Judas a symphony of disregard to the design of divine intention?  Judas was not an evil man; he had a ROLE, which lead us to consider what we consider him now – as an evil man.  No, he was not and he was never one.   He had a task bigger than himself and bigger than our considerations.  There was an article in Time magazine that really fits my point here, it says there “...he was a necessity.”  And I utterly believe so.  If we allow our thinking to elevate from human considerations we will see that the meaning of Judas’ last act prior to his hanging himself does not simply proceed from the concept of being a traitor.  Remember that Jesus foresaw that ‘someone’ is going to betray him and he told his disciples about it?  Judas’ act was part of a plan in our salvation history though we often deem it as an evil act.  I totally disagree to Father Williams (posted on Chrisly’s bulletin post), when he said, “That doesn't mean, however, that God intends for us to do evil, or that he intended for Judas to betray Jesus. If it wasn't Judas, it would have been someone else. The authorities had already decided to put Jesus to death, and it was just a matter of time.” 

Yes, God doesn’t intend for us to do evil or that he intended for Judas to betray Jesus, we know that.  But the more important question here is not that.  It is the CHOICE given to man in the framework of God’s great plan.  The implications of that last phrase “and it was just a matter of time” (of course, referring to prior phrases to understand its context) seem to conclude that if Judas did not betray Jesus, we then would have the same story of our salvation account.  That is pure assumption and entitled to disregard of philosophical (or theological) truths, for that argument is based on a premise conducted on “possibilities”.  If so, then I could argue, “Peter COULD HAVE NOT denied Jesus three times besides Jesus would still have died or the roster that crowed could have not been there if its owner had him cooked and fried during dinner of the day prior.”  “What then would Jesus’ words mean when he told Peter that he would betray him when they were on the mountain?  Isn’t it that it would mean nothing?”  “Or Jesus could have not been nailed to the cross, he could have been drowned or beheaded.”  “Or Jesus could have asked his angels to pick him up and bestow all his glory by commanding the heavens and earth to rain down fire and slaughter his enemies.”  These are, in context, part of possibilities that often times we consider SHOULD have happened – just like Judas’ betrayal.  Why cannot we simply find the strands that separate the realities behind the word “had” and the realities that govern possibilities?

You ask, what is then my point here?

One is simply this; nobody should rest their thinking on the argument of possibility to assume it as fact or to rewrite an event that had happened, in this case, our whole salvation history.  YES, JUDAS WAS NOT MEANT TO BETRAY JESUS because God could never exact deeds on us by virtue of the principle of freewill, but God only gives us choices and Judas had a CHOICE.  And he chose to take part by performing the role intended for the realization of God’s plan.  Yes, it was a dirty job, as we consider, but somebody has to do it.  And it was Judas for that matter.  My friends, we could never understand all this if we don’t TRY to elevate our thinking to the path of divine perspective.  Judas was a good man; he was very close to Jesus.  But he had a role in order to fulfill the greater good, and that is for the completion of the salvation of mankind and the forgiveness of all our sins through our Lord Jesus Christ.  Yes, Judas killed himself, but we don’t know what happened just before he hanged himself or what were his last words.  Maybe it was “Father, forgive me.” Or “Father, my role is finished.” I don’t know.  But for sure he felt guilty maybe on the act he had committed or the gravity of the act itself – and that is betraying a very good friend.  Maybe as human being, he could not take it.  These are all possibilities.  For I don’t know what COULD have happened or the realities behind the outcries of the heart for those who took part on what happened in Jesus’ time.

I could never tell or even think of the fate of Judas, and if I continue to understand all the circumstances from the outlook of man, perhaps I would never will.  But when I TRY to understand a glimpse of the immensity of God’s great plan of our salvation history, I can probably say that Judas is with God now…in heaven.

don't read this article for it is not worth your time

You make creativity a residue of a failure of a planned art.  But who does that anyway in anyhow?  I see, that man, he told me, that art is never a consequence of an intention.  Just like excellence and wisdom and knowledge and that foregoing which prevails between the act of that which may have come from a will creating a destination and that hope that guides the wings of the wind towards a perspective just over the hills of despairing. That man, he is full of madness.  I was talking to him just last week, I was in front of a lot of people, blinded by disgust that only came from their pride, but I continued to tell the stories of nonsense and make-believe and the stories shared to me by those I look up to.  He shouted to me, “Fool, you don’t know the reformation of a thought upon the extinguishing of a failed attempt to grasp a memory and by the discourse of that one who have come to be in front of your madness!” Probably he was right, there is no such thing as excellence.  For it is just a symphony of echoes of good matters that sound good to the ignorant and animate approbation to the knowing.  He was right.  Knowledge of everything is never a guarantee for an identity that beholds an aura of excellence just because it is seen by those who have come from the brinks of their resolute or humble commencing.  They do not know that everything came from the symphony of those little good matters.  That man was right.  At least what my heart said.  For I did not lay down my guards, and I shouted back to him with words that awoken the souls of the dead rats and pigs.  “Fool, that incense that made you think to rise and shout at me, it may never be pride, from your assumption, but it surely tells that you just want to make sense on a mystery that I have never even assumed that I know.  You imagine that my assumption is based on my attempt for a reformation of that matter that scientists don’t even fully understand, well, if you say so, then perhaps you are the one who is a fool, for I don’t know what you are saying!!  If that is the case then it means I haven’t even said that.  I am sleeping here and you woke me up with your shouting.”  “Give my veins the justice to rest based upon the principles that hold morality from plunging to its grave – yes, the moral fiber that give what is due to those other than you.”  And then I woke up. My saliva was spilling out from blessed mouth to the praying mountains just a mile away. It was just a dream.  Later that morning, I sipped my coffee wondering on the edges of dejection and bliss while awaiting the sun to kneel down in front of me begging for the return of life amidst that one which you have come to call now as my madness.  You who are reading this, you are my friend. For you accept your madness too unlike those who live in their time pretending the sanity of their becoming while their dreams are of war of unicorns and goats.  You my friend had been with the clinch of madness – too.  Tomorrow you may hold my hand when we strangle misery.  Hahahaha.  i.fleawulf.

what if there was a love called otherwise?

Why do we have only one heart?  We could have learned to love more beloveds – equally.  It is bitter to think that there will come a time in our lives when we have to deal with one of the troubles of the heart - to choose between love and…love.  Between two people you have chosen to love exceedingly.    It is troubling and confusing.  Painful.  Hard.  Even your life could crumble from confusion.  You’ll choose one but what about the other?  And often times, the answers for this question are the realities you wish you could have lived without.  They are right – those people I’ve heard talk – that life is hard especially with love because love often times is the reason that directs the choices of the self to go on living or to do otherwise.  Sometimes – the end of the story is tragic and sad.  It easy to explain love that have built the castles of quotations and the dreams that embody the cantos and chorus of the great poets which we have sheltered the word love itself – but still it is hard falling to it.  Falling in love is a matter not full of simplicity.

But really, if you were to choose between love and love – what would it be?  Would you choose the person you love now instead of the one you have truly loved in the past which you left because you thought that that person doesn’t love you only to find out that he/she has loved you too – and very much – and he/she is coming back…for you?  You have someone now whom you love so much and that person loves you more than anything else too – what then would you do?  What if the only thing you have are thoughts of “if’s” and “if only if’s?”  What would matter then?  Is it a waste to give up the other someone?  What if that someone you are giving up is the one meant for you – would you still choose then even if there’s no way of finding out?  You have learned to embrace the failings of love from someone you thought doesn’t love you but still you stood up, learned to love again and tell your heart that when love fails it is not the end of love but the beginning of a hope – for a life reborn.  And now you have found love again. 

But a love from the past is calling out for you.

What would you do?  And why?

But more important, why do you really have to choose?  If the heart has all the ability to love more than one, as we see in reality, then why would you restrict it from doing so?  And if you’ll do it, what then is the real message and meaning of one of the truths of our humanity – that each of us has only one heart.  If true love, as believed by many, is a fact of life – then does it mean that a person’s true love is only meant for a someone – and not anymore for more "someones?"  Does the cost of love include hurting someone just because, between two loves, you have the capacity to choose even if the reason is drowned in confusion including the painful decision to choose still?

What do we have to do if the only thing we have is to choose?

I do not know.

Perhaps there is an answer.  For this is your story once – or if not then maybe soon.  And this is a fact in reality.   Also, it is one of the mysterious ways of love – sometimes to leave us with neither the courage to choose amidst confusion nor sometimes the strength to deal and cope with the consequences of our choice.  Yes, love is great.  But loving is hard.

I don’t know why I’m saying all this.  Maybe perhaps it was the food I ate when I had my dinner just lately.  Or perhaps it is because this has been my story once also.  Just like you.

what if i ask you the question for the reason of my asking?

What is the reason behind a reason?
And why is there confusion in confusion?

If the purpose of meaning is for meaning to be meaning then why is the reason behind finding meaning seems to somehow create confusions when that meaning is suggested to be within the reason of the purpose of finding that very meaning?

I am confused.  Why?  For if the reason itself is reason, and if purpose itself is purpose, then why still do we have to find meaning in finding the purpose of finding purpose and seeking meaning in knowing that there is reason in reason itself.

I do not say that neither am I meaningless in finding meaning nor unenlightened in finding reason, all I say is that often times all I have is confusion.  And then I see the reason in my confusion.  But then I wonder again, if I can see the reason – sometimes, just sometimes – in the confusions within my wholeness why is it that meaning itself within that very wholeness continues to slip away even if we know that meaning and reason often times are those that which embody purpose itself.  Often times I know purpose, but then I ask what is the purpose of purpose.

When I was looking for answers, I tried to reach the infinite.  But the infinite pushed me back.  I think I am doomed to suffer wondering about the confusion in confusion and the reason behind a reason itself.  But it doesn’t matter, because I have you.  Yes, you.  The you who is reading this seemingly nonsense nonsense.  But I don’t really know if it is nonsense nonsense.  I think it is not, or maybe it is.  But if you find the purpose of purpose, then please let me know.  For sometimes I walk on the streets being lost in wondering about the why of my wondering and also the things I just said.

When you find the reason in reason, don’t keep it to yourself.  I would like to know.

For what is learning not shared?  Just a coal, waiting to be an ash.  The purpose is seen, but not fulfilled.

I say again, I do not have a meaningless mind.  All I have is wonder.

Or perhaps the paradise butterflies of madness.

Oh, I forgot to ask, will there be meaning in the logical identity of meaninglessness in meaninglessness?  If none then isn't it that there is meaning in finding the why of meaninglessness itself? = )

So...what do you say?

(harharhar.parulupa an parulupa = )

you say that your sweetheart is the most wonderful person in the world...

WHY?

have you met every person in the world?

to those that crave the magnificence of belonging, your soul is drowning within the deluge of unequalized mediocrity.  why have faith when there is a god in your becoming?  the sorrow of your soul will only be persuaded by the serenity of your aching will alongside the despair of finding the questions from the answers of the questions. i am who i had become.  i fleawulf.

when you tell people "it's complicated"

When I ask people how are they or how are their relationships, a good percentage responding to me say “it’s complicated.”  But really, how complicated is complicated in our lives?  Why do we have to hide our troubles within the subtlety of that word?  Our lives and relationships – it’s either we are at peace or we are amused by the glitters of ramble becoming in the parade of troubles.  Complicated is for those who are in anguish because of the inability to understand what is going on in their lives.  Confusion would even sway in higher regard against complication.  Come to think of it, when you understand the tidings of your life and the episodes of your fitting within the peripherals of living life, with honesty and self-reliance, you either tell people what is going on in your life or you tell them you rather not say because your sensitivity enlightens you that it is not worth telling.  It is that simple.  The complication of it all is just a mist.  For that word does not embody the strength of character of the person who signifies its importance but rather exudes a weakness either within the denial of reality or the acceptance of fault.  Again, when you tell me that a surface of your life and living life is complicated, just remember that it is not that you freed yourself from losing a part of you, but you just allowed me to know and understand the part of your character that is not complementing your worth.  The burden that gives life to what you attest complication with...remains in you.  You do not become well.  “Friends are there to carry the loads from our shoulders sometimes, and most of the times, they insist to keep them…until we reach where we are going to.”  So when you tell people, “it’s complicated” when they ask you about life and relationships, you have not only persecuted your spirit with that choice but you have also denied him of helping you lighten the burden that is weakening the shoulders of your life.  With your pride, you may tell me that you will carry them alone with the strength of trying, and i will not say more.  Just remember when exhaustion consumes the influence of your will and the obstinacy of your pride and you are about to kneel in distressed abandonment and no one is there...for you have left us all - just remember what i told you so. 

Tomorrow, I'll tell you about rainbows.  Hahahahaha.